I intended to write about lifestyle factors, and like most people, I started with the wrong questions. Rather than asking what kind of lifestyle a potential partner should have, a better question to ask is:
What kind of lifestyle do YOU want?
How can you create YOUR dream lifestyle?
And, what kind of guy will your lifestyle attract?
“Lifestyle compatibility is a pledge on who you want to become, with a side question of how do they add to this plan?”Morvana Zaahira Goodman
How did I arrive at this wisdom bomb, you ask?
Well, when I found myself single a few years ago, I decided to do dating differently. I regarded my time as sacred. And carefully and consciously decided who to spend my time on and who not to. Instead of basing that on momentary feelings, I had my eye firmly on my plans for the future. I could easily do this because I already had a happy life planned out (in great detail!)
When I say great detail – I mean literally, I had plans scribbled all over pieces of paper in my new apartment with multiple alternate scenarios, financial forecasts, and notes about my options, needs, and desires. (It looked like I was planning the world’s biggest bank robbery).
When you get busy executing your dream lifestyle, something funny happens; any losers or users that try wasting your time are easy to walk away from, kind of like flies dropping to the ground, I had drawings to do and a career to manage so I didn’t have time for crappy behaviour! I was too busy being happy!
This life plan changed my selection process quite by accident. I found myself choosing to spend time with a guy based on who I wanted to be in the future; in my new life, and the value they could add which was a significant difference from my usual ‘he looks fun or cute’ non-strategy of the past. I’d developed a strong vision about the life I was planning to create and 100% conviction I could achieve it (alone!) and I wasn’t going to waste any more time passing that power to anyone else.
When someone interesting did come along, I remember feeling focused on how they made me feel (rather than focused on their opinion of me). I had the clarity and headspace to observe how things felt around this person and zero cares about what they thought of me. This time I followed a feeling of safety (whereas in the past, without the stability of a life plan, I’d been looking to feel entertained, liked, and even distracted) but this time I was much more focused on how they could make me feel and the feelings I really remember being drawn to included feeling safe, respected, taken care of, protected and provided for.
This change came from rebuilding my inner confidence and learning how to respect my goals and needs. I felt as though I had taken hold of the steering wheel of my life. I started by following through on promises to myself like doing daily guided meditations, doing art, taking walks for my health, and visiting museums. (Things I didn’t do much before, in case people thought it was ‘weird’). I said no to other external requests and pressures and yes to myself. It all created a strong sense of inner trust that I could do anything, that I had my own back. It took about a year to reach this platform of confidence and eventually a wild kind of freedom and joy enveloped me into a constant state of natural highs that I’d never experienced before. I even started to get spiritual ‘chills’. That’s when I knew I could manifest the life I wanted, whether someone was in my life or not.
The vision I had for myself began to develop. It was a Morvana who was super-fit, healthy, who didn’t drink, and who followed her passions (art/writing), helped others, and worked for herself. I was also contemplating raising a child. That vision was a catalyst, but I certainly didn’t predict or realise that it would attract the right guy to me like a magnet. Meeting an awesome, caring, loyal, talented guy who doesn’t drink and makes me feel safe came out of the blue! No, I wasn’t looking, no, I wasn’t on any dating sites, he emerged from my new circle of friends, which emerged from my fresh vision of life. What I had created for myself had a domino effect and so when we crossed paths it bonded us together in a really natural, undeniable way.
Due to the support of my fantastic relationship and marriage, I have been able to pursue personal growth, start a new business and blog, and commence a Visual Arts Degree – things I’ve dreamed of pursuing my whole life. I’m enjoying every moment of it. My husband has honored my life plan throughout our 3+ years of marriage, and I’m so grateful. Honestly still in shock a little bit!
So for me, compatibility is born from having a clear vision of what your happy singular future looks like, (even if you’re in a relationship), planning it in detail, executing it, and never giving up on the plan, no matter what or who comes along. When your life ‘stands up’ on its own, your confidence will be high. When you focus on your desires, it will prevent you from falling into common traps. The trap of looking for validation, entertainment or self-worth in places outside of yourself. And the right people will show up, you’ll see!
Compatibility hasn’t been reliant on tick boxes or the usual concerns about having the same religion, hobbies, attitudes or opinions, in a lot of ways my husband and I are very different. Our backgrounds couldn’t be more polar opposite. Rather, it has been about acceptance, building myself up, and having that guide me and attract people interested in the same vision.
If you are at a crossroads in life, some questions to ask:
- If the next 10 years look like this, am I going to be happy?
- Who do you want to be, what lifestyle do you want to create?
If you have a plan, add to that unwavering belief and conviction – any future you imagine is then yours, and compatibility will find you.
For more compatibility tips and a toolkit head over to Are we Compatible?
If you would like a mentor to guide you on this journey head to the contact page / don’t forget to subscribe to catch all the juicy articles coming up. Don’t leave it any longer you have a life to live!
© Morvana Zaahira Goodman 2021