“FIVE innocent, simple questions can uncover the core of someone in about 15 minutes!”
Do you know what questions to ask and how to evaluate the answers?
For example, if you see someone as a potential life partner, wouldn’t it be cool if a few innocent-sounding, fun questions helped you figure out who they are before you go sprinting down the aisle together? And if you think he (or she) could be ‘the one,’ you’d want to know them on the deepest level possible, am I right?! What if you could ask those questions on a first date!? That would save a heck of a lot of time wouldn’t it. Well, OK then, read on.
As a real-life learning example:
“Here’s what happened when I explored my husband’s core values back in 2018 before we got hitched.”
I wanted to know who he was deep down, we were on a date and had just watched a movie together at his place. So anyway here’s what I asked him, (I wrote his answers on a scrap of paper at the time). Then, having gone through the core values process for myself, I had enough knowledge to match his answers with values from the core value list.
I will never forget that date because he had no idea what I was doing, and honestly I wasn’t sure if it would be useful or not. He answered each question so authentically and honestly – I kept those bits of paper for years after because I was so inspired and humbled by what he revealed.
“Getting to know him through the lens of core values also helped me overcome natural fears about getting married again. And we all have plenty of those scary feelings. Every little thing helps!”
Core Values Interview with my Husband (2018)
Here’s the questions I asked, and the core values revealed in his answers (in brackets).
- Which famous people (from the past or current) do you admire and what do you like about them?
- “Martin Luther King – stands up for people, makes you feel you can do anything.” (Core Value: Motivating people)
- “The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) – his physical strength, size.” (Core Values: Health/Strength)
- “Denzel Washington – Always puts God first.” (Core Value: Morals) “Gives back.” (Core Value: Altruism), “Has a purpose.” (Core Value: Personal Development)
2. What’s your favorite movie and why?
“The Scorpian King (2002) – a desert warrior rises up against the evil army destroying his homeland. He was the last of his race, battles for freedom, becomes King, earns people’s respect, and liberates the people.” In short, he said, “He loves people who are the voice for people who have no voice.” (Core Value: Compassion)
3. What people/things have angered or hurt you most?
(Tip: Flip the answers into a positive core value)
- “X person – lied to me/didn’t tell the truth through omission.” (Core Values: Trust, Loyalty, Honesty)
- “X person – Wasn’t considerate; even when I did things for this person they didn’t reciprocate with their time/energy.” (Core Value: Generosity)
- “X person – didn’t involve me in decisions as an equal.” (Core Values: Respect, Commitment)
4. Which peak experience had the most significant impact on you?
He said: “My family and I made our pilgrimage to Mecca in 2006. At age 26, the experience made me feel closer to my faith than ever before. It created an epiphany where I experienced a sense of belonging. I felt my prayers would be answered and gained a sense of direction on how I should be living my life.” (Core Value: Faith)
5. Who became your favorite teachers in life or at school, and why?
- “Mr. Kralj – Young leader, made everything fun/cool/good energy.” (Core Value: Joyfulness)
- “Mr. Walker – Taught him never to give up, just because it’s hard doesn’t mean you give up.” (Core Values: Resilience, Self-Discipline)
- “Mr. Fazini – He’d know how you were feeling and wasn’t worried about feelings being expressed. He was a soccer coach, you could tell him anything, and he listened.” (Core Values: Authenticity, Openness)
- “Mr. Seipolt – He truly got to know people with 1:1 time. I learned problem-solving skills from him.” (Core Value: Quality Time, Mastery)
Summary of my husband’s values:
What he values in himself and others based on five questions:
Motivating people, Health/Strength, Morals, Altruism, Personal Development, Compassion, Trust, Loyalty, Honesty, Generosity, Respect, Faith, Joyfulness, Resilience, Self-Discipline, Authenticity, Commitment, Mastery, Openness, Quality Time.
He has many more qualities, but he’s mine so back off!
How does this relate to your relationship?
The key takeaway here is that it’s easy to figure people out quickly if you have core value knowledge. A big part of answering the question Are We Compatible? for the long-haul is about sharing values. Many of our values match and these are the things we bond over day-to-day.
In contrast let’s say one person valued Fame and Ambition and the other valued Privacy and Solitude. These two people probably shouldn’t go on a second date!
Nuts! I can’t believe I didn’t know this sooner! Sign me up!
Don’t worry here’s where to start:
- Figure out your own values
- Ask the right questions on your next date
- Have fun!
This self-coaching tool is the best place to start, or book a core values session:
If you’d like a core values session or any other mentoring, don’t be shy – send a message via the Contact page / don’t forget to subscribe to catch all the juicy articles coming up. My clients tell me the mentoring process is uplifting and fun along with a few tears and ah-ha moments. Don’t leave it any longer!
© Morvana Zaahira Goodman 2021