“Would you like jam or peanut butter on your toast”? I shouted from the kitchen as my husband played video games (again).
Relationships can get ‘off balance.’ Nobodies fault just something to be aware of. Let me share one of my stories…
In my first marriage, I remember proudly doing everything for my man. It was like he was ill, and I was taking care of him. Yet he was splendidly fine and well.
When I see Marilyn in the TV show Home and Away, it reminds me of how I used to be.
Hovering over him, making him lunch, cleaning non-stop, fetching things, fussing.
Essentially, the problem was, I thought it was my job to look after him.
I did all the cooking, grocery shopping, worked full time, ordered meals at restaurants, paid the bills, fetched him (and his friends) drinks, and met any other requests (since I was going that way), “I will get that for you” I’d helpfully say!
I had become a full-time air hostess.
Revolving my life 100% around the other person seemed normal at the time. But I remember the undercurrent of tension and hostility. Instead of gratitude, I got a running report of things I did wrong. I felt confused, unappreciated, and OMG! the resentment was building!
For me, I had learned, seen, and received the message; women should do everything. And so I over functioned. I abandoned my needs, wants, and goals and served my husband entirely. He left me alone a lot. He seemed intent on being as far away as possible. (I imagine the cranky look on my face didn’t help!) I felt abandoned. I also lost interest in the relationship because I saw it as a burden. Eventually, we spent less and less time together.
I filed for divorce because all I could see ahead was more of the same.
When I remarried, I still felt like I had some ‘unfinished business’ that caused arguments and tension. So, I decided to get a mentor and gather some knowledge about successful relationships, and I experimented with my own life. My missing piece was focusing on my own life, self-nourishment, and doing things that made me happy. Everyone is different but I had to reconnect with my inner self.
I remember rebalancing my over-functioning with receiving help instead. The first time I received help instead of saying my usual “I will do it/I’m OK” it felt uncomfortable, but he just smiled, in-fact he looked relieved. Now I feel comfortable going to him for help all the time, he recently helped brainstorm the name of my business – Precious Self, and I absolutely love it!
I discovered my inner boundaries and began to trust them. I practiced how to tune into my feelings and express my desires for the first time. I learned how to manage negative thoughts and my inner critic. My way of being in a relationship is a 360 degree turnaround. I’ve changed everything, my viewpoint, and my behaviors.
Who knew being an air hostess was so annoying and served nobody – these days my hostessing is limited to feeding the cats Felix three times a day.
One of them is getting a bit fat, so may need to ease off a bit!
© Morvana Zaahira Goodman 2021