I’ve had this persistent, recurring dream my whole life.
In my dream, I own a house.
Nonetheless, I kept repeatedly forgetting I owned it! (I mean, really, who does that!!?)
In the dream, years later, I’d go back and remember I had a property. (Oh yes, there it is!)
I’d find it completely derelict, walls peeling, no furniture, no heating, everything broken.
I’d wake up feeling frustrated and angry for not looking after it, improving it, and maximizing its potential! I even had squatters staying there who wouldn’t leave. I’d awake with haunting emotions of despair and regret and thoughts like what a waste! What a nightmare! Why does this dream keep repeating itself!
A few weeks ago, the dream changed for the first time in my life.
I went back to the property: same street, same town.
Inside, however, what I saw had me feeling pleasantly shocked and delighted.
Every room had been renovated and looked brand new. I gazed in awe at the pretty wallpaper and fancy lighting. Now beautifully furnished, it even had a dance floor in the loft! It felt gorgeous inside and out.
At this moment – I realized – the house represented me.
I used to forget and neglect myself, just like the house in the dream.
The dream was trying to tell me this truth for decades.
Learning how to revolve my time and life around taking care of myself – changed my dream. My cute, fuzzy subconscious couldn’t wait to tell me!
Before I knew how to change this, day-to-day plans would revolve around what others wanted as a default.
I had no idea that I could be to blame for this. I’m embarrassed to say; I felt that the people around me were so ‘needy’ and so useless that I ‘had to look after everything.’ I was a martyr and stoically believed I must do all tasks in the known universe.
Underneath that, I was seething with resentment, and underneath that – too scared to put my trust in anyone.
When I received mentoring from a fantastic coach, she encouraged me to plan activities that nourished me. I thought she was slightly mad, but luckily I have a wild side, so I studied what made me happy. I paid attention to it. It felt like finding the missing piece of a jigsaw. It was such a tremendous relief. It changed ‘the record.’
Looking back, my lack of focus on my own needs and lack of planning caused each request from other people to fill my time.
Now my calendar is scheduled with the self-nourishment I need to be my best self; then, I attend to others (up to a point where I’m not resentful). It’s a well-proven strategy, and it works!
I love seeing clients embrace their power in this arena. It’s so self-honoring – the stress disappears from their faces, replaced by big happy smiles.
Oh, and those needy, useless people? – turns out they are perfectly competent after all; I’d just been standing in their way.
Doing everything didn’t help people in my past, but I thought I was Mother Teresa. Sadly, it just made other people give up trying because I had consistently illustrated I didn’t believe in them (by stepping in and doing it for them – usually uninvited).
It’s only in stepping back, out of the way, that others can step up. It’s only in trusting that trust can be demonstrated.
The hollow voices of mistrust and betrayal from my past are far behind me, and I want that joy for everyone. Changing this mindset in my own life has not been easy but has been so rewarding. I’ve never been more relaxed and calm. I feel supported and stress-free.
Even my IBS illness that I had for years disappeared. Now I can eat anything without being in pain afterward.
My journey from self-neglect to self-honour feels complete.
© Morvana Zaahira Goodman 2021